And in the end, the love you take… January 1, 2008

is equal to the love. . . .

i was talking to my cousin who is a writer in New York City. We had a short conversation about how now, thanks to the internet, things have become next to immortal. Think about it, blogs? If this crazy world doesn’t change too much, your grandkids might be “Googling” and finding your exact words. Myspaces? whoa. better delete those before your kids get the impression that their parents were perfect. Pretty amazing how years from now you just might be able to go back and look at your past, through the eyes of a computer (if thats what it will still be called….) screen, see stories, posts, pictures, and think….whoa. Never thought i’d go back there.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~               ~*~*~*~*~*~

all in all, its been fun, and its been a year. Good stuff, good memories. Im thinking of starting some new ones. It was a good run on this “blog” {experiment}.

 ~*~*~

Canadian Friend: happy new year’s eve
Me: thanks, you too
Canadian Friend:  don’t you guys drop a ball on Times square or something?
Me: yeah, something like that.

…….you make.

living is easy with eyes closed January 1, 2008

One of my friends recently vacationed in Lancaster, PA. (aka) Amish Country. The whole thing weirdly fascinates me, them Amish. Having been in situations where i even feel that i’m way too sheltered, looking at the way the Amish girls dress, their transportation…or lackthereof, I’m trying to figure out, as a friend said, if i respected them or just thought they were utterly rediculous. I guess it saves the problem of any vice of female self consciousness creeping in, wearing make up isn’t expected at all.  Its amazing how “out there” their ways are to the average American. To not give a shit about Britney Spears, and…to not be judged on how much skin you are not showing….ps. gas prices never alter. But at the same time, using real toilets might come in handy once in a while, and i dont know for sure, but i think i love the telephone…or skip that, i guess i mean, cell phone nowa’days. They seem really intouch with humanity, and it seems thats what they are going for. They’re oddly enough populating without any problem. One of those, leave it alone and it will reside without need of aid. Sounds good for them….?

                                     

Contents may be Hot December 29, 2007

The Christmas yuletide is officially over. Not according to the Church Calandar, or the sale marks at JC Pennys, or the clearance aisle at CVS. Not even according to the cheesy christmas ABC family tv movies that air, or Delilah and her save-the-world-with-feel-good-music.
No, you know Christmas is officially over when…Starbucks goes back to using their trendy white trademark cardboard cups that everyone knows too well.  Its ended. One morning, you step inside for your usual non fat mocha skim caffinated no sugar organic african bean starbucks original coffee latte….and poof. Instead of the red cheery holiday love in a 16 oz, you get that traditional well known, inscripted on the side,  (which, as you know, i personally enjoy reading)  white and green wake up call. The cup that implies “ordinary time”.  See you next year Christmas…i need another Latte.

Rain… i dont mind. the weather’s fine. October 24, 2007

 So, im looking out my window cubicle on the top floor my campus library, feeling like I belong in a scene from Beauty and the Beast. I am avoiding writing my paper on the Odyssey, not because i have no ideas, but because everytime i try to write, something like this comes out.

 For the first time in forever the sky is ridiculously gray. It makes you feel so closed in, because by instinct you know that gray  is  not the natural color of the sky, therefore there must be something standing in the way of how things should be and how things are. And there’s nothing you can do about it. The sky is just gray today. Period. 

There are puddles, everywhere on the cement. I met a girl here who always says “don’t stress, just jump in a puddle or two”. Nothing escapes me without 500 thoughts. For me, a puddle is nothing more than a reflection. You jump in it, its like breaking a mirror. You bend over, you see a distorted version of yourself, and you think “it clearly rained”. And that’s it, youre done. No accomplishment. BUT then, it occurs to you! You’re outside right? You’re in the middle of this amazing creation of trees and sky and somehow, you STILL find a way to look at yourself, as if you were in a dressing room at JCPennys. And nature, just like Homer’s Odyssey right now, gawks at you. Hah! You fell for it. All of creation is infront of you, the world is at your feet and you still find a way to stare into a pure accident and remind yourself that you are alive today…and you can not  escape whatever it is that you want to jump in that puddle so badly for. So, attempting to take on that puddle will not grant you accomplishment, it will not de-stress you, it will not make you happy and sadly to say, it will not even destroy the puddle itself.   It will simply watch you step out, grin as you are forced to wring out the rain from the bottom of your jeans, and form back into the reflection of whatever it was that it stared at before you disturbed its day. Then quietly, it will sit and wait for the next person to notice the gray sky and contend thoughts of amending his or her life by wasting time in what it knows to simply just be a puddle of water.  

Listen to the pretty sound of music as she flies. September 28, 2007

 “What are men compared to rocks and mountains?” – Jane Austen. This insightful quote denotes everything right now.

The window of my top floor dorm room sees eye to eye with a distant yet breathtaking Virginia mountain. Nearer though, can be seen the soccer field, an area frequently crowded with shirtless boys and muddy cleats. And, inside the top floor of the dorm, there are girls. Grouped together. Chatting and losing sleep over those same shirtless boys. Groups begin to form; those who wear proudly the name of “party lovers”; those who don’t know what a party in fact is; those who really don’t have time to find out; and those who might not even care.

Sooner or later one day, on the other side of the window glass, that mountain might not seem so distant anymore. So overwhelmed by this realization that it will shake the ground we, at one time, thought we were standing on; and it is then that we will in fact stand next to the beastly hill and look up for what seems like eternity. Unlike when sitting at my dorm window, seeing eye to eye with a mountain is now unfathomable.  It is far closer to the sky that I am. Yet, by climbing it no form of conquering would be accomplished, rather I can only imagine how small I would feel cupped in the hands of something so great. How little idealism has to do with reality. How little we are compared to something so immeasurable and timeless. In this, Jane was on to something.

in it. right now. July 25, 2007

this is what i feel like.

infact, that whole movie is a perfect rendition of life.  meeting up with flashes of your past, just putting you in complete perspective. Craving the fact of wanting to meet someone just so insanely free that you feel …freaking out of this world when youre with them. the concept of moving on but finding out that, ironically, going backwards is the only road in leapfroging towards youre new beginning. saying whatever you feel and knowing you deserve better. realizing that life is a freaking humbling experience. That sometimes the most innocent people are those who we almost look past, yet are the ones really worth meeting. All the while hoping to weed out the ones with the most fucked up agendas. Maybe half the soundtrack to life is just dying to be 80% mellow. shit happens, and sidecars are for bitches.

and, of course. screaming in the rain. cus If you can’t laugh at yourself, life’s gonna seem a whole lot longer than you like.

                                               

” OK, so… so… sometimes I lie. I mean, I’m weird, man. About random stuff too, I don’t even know why I do it. It’s like… it’s like a tick, I mean sometimes I hear myself say something and think, Wow, that wasn’t even remotely true. “

but oh that magic feelin July 25, 2007

College. The life of reality where the social aspect isnt decided for you, yet you live with chosen groups of people,  and its completely up to you to come to class on time, or at all. At least thats what i hear. i dont really know for sure, but unless theres a freak accident in the rhelm of “permitting 2007 graduates in attending college” i will be finding out in less than a month. the whole thing kinda freaks me out to be honest with you, but talk to any college freshman and im pretty confident they will say the same thing. Again, to be honest, there is a neat idea in it all, besides the whole like, getting lifelong undergraduate degrees….ok hear me out. you are put out there with a freedom BUT everything you need is right infront of you. Hello? is this not what i need to live or what? maybe im just lazy but having friends, a library, food and classes ….and a coffee shop all within walking distance of your ROOM. bring it on man. sorry, suburban girl in me screaming out.
of course im sure it wont be that easy but the theory seems bitchin enough to keep my nerves down.

Like the fella once said, ain’t that a kick in the head. April 12, 2007

So after a january filled with SAT tests and new haircuts, topped off by a February freak blizzard (which…to be honest, were a few good days…) and March which tricked us by following an 80 degrees week with one of 38…i  [speaking for myself...] was ready for a spring break. Plan #1: My family then packed our luggage and hopped the first international to Hawaii.
hah, funny.
Actually we packed some bags and hopped the first car in our driveway down 295 to Atlantic City, aka: Grandmas beach house open all year. The occasional, yet usual vacationing spot. But i love it. and it Gets better.

So, there is this stairway, the only set of 13 steps, in this house. On the wall adjacent to the steps are pictures, wedding pictures, of aunts and uncles, each in age order as you descend the stairs. At the bottom of the steps the display finishes off with the oldest pictures, the weddings of: Grandma, and Grandpa…and the big days of each of their parents.

I have never gone to that house once and not stared incessently at those pictures. Especially the ones in black and white.
This time, i couldnt take it anymore. I climbed back up the stairs, and paraded back down 10 minutes later with my arms full of black and white photos. Really, any unframed picture i could find in Grandmas room. I spilt everything on the dining room table…..

 Contrasting memories against the blue tablecloth.

      

After a few moments of soaking in the hairstyles and tuxedos, i was speechless. This might be why i love going there so much. To that house. Down that staircase. And watching very old Italian Americans explain vividly their colorless wedding photos.

5 hour trip…to Atlantic City…anyone?

 

Surrender to the Void March 21, 2007

There are just some days where nothing phases you. Lack of emotion kind-of takes over without you consciously knowing it  – that is, until a friend looks at you strange when you don’t respond in an animated way to his joke. But even then, you might be lucky if the strange look you received even phases you as much as to notice it. Call it a bad day, or careless outlook on reality. Might even be laziness but if we’re gonna go that route…id rather just classify the mood as subconsciously distracted by nothing.

Today three friends and i shuffled our feet into our next class, immediately following lunch break. We put our bags on the discussion table, and wondered why no one else was around [including the teacher] when class would start in 2 minutes. I reached into my bag, [again without much thought] and took out my lip gloss. Just as i was about re-apply, the fire alarm went off.
My classmates and i looked blankly at eachother for about 5 seconds.
We said out loud…..”ughhh. shit”. 
I screwed the cap back onto my vanity gloss, we picked up our bags, and walked out of the room with the same blank stares as we had entered it.

The fact that there could have been a fire, clearly did not phase us. And the other fact of the teacher not being in the room yet, knowing her class would get interrupted anyway, let on to this whole thing being scheduled.

The last thing i think i wanted to do today, was stand outside for 15 minutes in the cold, while each class single file lined up and went back into the building. Not even an anticipation of a fire truck entered our heads. Infact, i’m pretty sure that the kindergarden class started back towards the building while the alarm was still going.  

How. Platitudinous. for just another day.

you’re old enough to know better, so cry baby cry. March 11, 2007

Attending a highschool associated with a grade/middle school has its disadvantages. Lunch lines are 100 times as long, hallways are never completely quiet. I think there are even a few times i’ve gotten head-butted at a 10mph speed by one of those mini 5th grade bullets while walking to my next class. And on a personal level, being 5foot2 and a senior, it can get discouraging having to actually glance up to see the face of a 7th grade boy who’s voice still hasn’t changed.  Nevertheless, there are some funny moments which remind me frequently that it really was only 5, 6, 7 years ago when i couldn’t even imagine walking into a high-school classroom. And when boys were mean because not only did they refuse to share their Fritos but all the ink in your gel pen they “borrowed” was used to draw fake blood all over their binder. And girls only spoke to you if there were no bumps in your hair that day.

Anyway, friday afternoon my school assembled to watch an underclassmen debate. As expected, many seats were already taken by parents who wished to watch the ordeal, so a friend and i were welcomed by the 6th grade teacher to sit in the middle school section. Joy.
As soon as my friend and i sat down, we heard a low pitch snickering behind us. We heard the words:

“Yes!!!! if they are sitting in front of us, we dont have to take notes on the debate cus we cant even see whats going on! we have an excuse!”. My friend and i turned around only to find three 11 year old boys holding composition notebooks. It truly has been a while since i have seen such a sincere giddiness exert from pre-teenage boys without the help of PlayStation or GuitarHero.

Next we heard them admit the thrill of informing eachother of the ”StickMan War!!!” which apparently would be held on paper during the next hour and fifteen minutes of the controversal debate concerning “Whether or not there should exist a confessional state”.

Throughout the intense rebuttles, the snickering continued. “Whoa check out the blood i drew coming out of his head! Hey can i borrow your red pen!?”.  Did they realize that the head was the only part of the stick mans body which could ever realistically bleed? I guess that’s what happens when you get older. There is no “realistically speaking” when your an 11 year old boy drawing the murder of a stick figure.

Within in the 3 minute interval of the speeches the boys clearly picked up on our intrigue into the 6th grade world. They loudly explained to each others stories which they no doubt had repeated 50 times this year already, in the hopes that my friend and i would turn around and give them a weird face. We eventually did once we overheard the words “….the website where the guys head gets cut off when the bus window shuts on his neck!”.  I guess trying to impress 17 year old girls was the highlight of their day.

Boys will be Boys.
But in 7 years, something tells me that Stick Man Wars! will cease to exist.
Impressions will be made by wearing Lacoste cologne, and maybe even bigger ones will stand in the fact of actually being able to afford it. Or not…

When the debate ended, the boys dispersed in a split second with their notebooks full of monsters and bloody stick grenades which murdered thousands in that past hour.
The humor was Easy come. Easy go…..hopefully like 11 year old boy immaturity.